Synkroniciti is delighted to publish “Chekhov’s Croissant” by Californian writer and poet Shelly Lowenkopf, who debuted with us in our previous issue, “Haunting.” This comic gem explores the absurdity in human behavior and how we seize upon the oddest, most superficial qualities to recognize and classify people. Bender is in a fruitless quest for a croissant at the 7-Eleven in his Santa Barbara neighborhood.
“No point insisting he’d bought croissants here before. Much less confessing, however it sounded, that he’d had croissants at the places the young checker mentioned plus the croissants at Handlebar, Dune, and Peet’s. Nothing to be served expounding on the chemistry that caused him to favor the two-dollar-thirty-nine cent 7-Eleven croissant.”
As he learns that another local croissant enthusiast, Wilson…no, Wolfson, has purchased all of the remaining stock, the 7-Eleven is robbed by a group of lackluster youths in Desi Arnaz masks, barely holding their ill-fated enterprise together. After mistaking him for Billy Baldwin, the youths finally recognize Bender as an actor in commercials for a chain of chicken restaurants.
““We got the chicken man here.” Milo pumped his elbows to mimic Bender’s on-screen gestures. Head mask or not, easy for Bender to read the third robber’s sagged shoulders.
“That tears it. I’m done with you two. I don’t care if you’ve got the Dalai Lama, you understand? We came here to rob a store.”
“Binder,” Milo said. “Spokes-chicken for the Chick ‘n Waf commercials. The guy in the chicken suit. Mort Binder.”
“OMG,” the first robber said.
“Bender. Matt Bender.””
One of the robbers, clearly not the most astute human being, but wonderfully endearing even in this antagonistic role, proceeds to ask Bender for his autograph, even spelling out his name.
Shelly is a master at dry humor, and there are so many jokes here that are surreal, yet completely believable: numerous cases of mistaken identity and people getting names wrong, folks using questionable logic to get incorrect (and hilarious) results. It’s a spicy romp that tackles low-level celebrity and how it operates in a community. The characters are natural and individually sketched–we know these guys, or at least we know guys like them.
Read “Chekhov’s Croissant” in Synkroniciti’s “Identity” issue, available for purchase here: https://synkroniciti.com/the-magazine/purchase-individual-issues/.
Shelly Lowenkopf has taught at a number of universities, edited at a lot of book publishing ventures, placed dozens of short stories and novels under his own name and a good many made-up names. Makes you wonder.